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"Whack him. And if you can't whack him, redact him."

Dear listeners, Some troubling news. I have learned a special prosecutor wants to know the source for my scoop that Mitch McConnell has a crush on Dr. Pimple Popper star Dr. Sandra Lee. I will tell you this – I will never reveal my source. I'd sooner go to jail, as scary as that would be to my friends and family. Guess who's in the dating market again! Bad girl.

Wonderland Political Consultants. The election is coming up. Have you identified the undecided voters? Humpty Dumpty is still on the fence ... Goldilocks is looking for the candidates that's "just right" ... The Crooked Man isn't giving pollsters a straight answer, and Chicken Little is right wing on some issues and left wing on others. What about Cinderella? Every day she says she's made a choice but then at midnight she changes back.

"Elections, elections, elections! I'm sick of it! If I could vote, I'd vote for someone who would ban nonstop coverage of elections."

"Maybe politics was a bad career choice for me."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

Erdogan Replaces Trump on Putin Horse

"It's the new Trump Tower..."

The search for Weapons of Mass Destruction

"Worst budget cuts ever!"

"Tractors, Sir - thousands of 'em!"

Masters of Political Oratory

The end of election 2016

Hard Border

How Do You Take Your Evil?

'So...who do you think you will vote for?'

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid things are worse than we thought."

'Obama's letting all the progress we made in Iraq go right down the drain...He's trying to distract everybody...'

Projecting Obama

"So in conclusion it's an absolute sh*t show... That'll be £450 million please."

"You've increased your prices again! Why?" "Take your pick..."

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'So Chief Executive how can you justify this new increase in gas prices?'

Why Centrist Democrats Can't Get to Bernie Sanders

"After Trump, Russia is the greatest threat to the USA!"

The Marriage of Alternative Facts

"What'll it be ... scary movies or scary news?"

Closed system: Worry-powered TV set.

'This is Ferd Evergort reporting from the site of the great Battle Creek flood...'

'Trouble is, the plan has already jump-started him!'

"I've never seen anything like it. No one knows what will happen with Brexit and Government is in total chaos."

Sailing Away

Brexit."It's all Greek to me!"