Following Royal News Prints

"And if it does fit, please sign this pre-nup saying you won't do any 'tell-all' interviews about the royal family."

Cord cutter

"Is this the same gold bar I gave you last year?"

"This is for walking the fine line: Not discouraging Russia from joining the fight against ISIS...but out not showing support for Syria."

"Get a move on Hardwicke, we need it for the 6 o'clock news!"

Duchess of Cambridge

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Campaign fatigue? No, I'm excited to be here in the great state of North Braska!'

'I don't know. Neo-monarchism sounds good...'

"What'll it be ... scary movies or scary news?"

'It's a new reality show call 'Detoxing with the Stars'...'

"The good news today is that there is no news."

'...And our extended forecast calls for one #!@*!! thing after another.'

Closed system: Worry-powered TV set.

'This is Ferd Evergort reporting from the site of the great Battle Creek flood...'

"I think whatever's going to happen next has already happened."

US election 2020 ballot box Trump v Biden

Deepening rift between royal brothers

"... And in other news: Still no truce at 75 Greene Street, apartment 3F."

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

"He's out there campaigning while I'm in here quarantining."

USA and Russia meet in Saudi Arabia

King Charles III's coronation

Putin 'Peace' Plan

'If you've gone off him, please can I have my chewing gum back?'

Ukrainian Elections

With the barrel dry, American is unable rescue Europe.

'The following special report was made possible by a bunch of troublemakers....'

"A source close to the Royals tells me that..."

'What's he laughing at? Doesn't he listen to the News!'

Megxit

"Imagine how much it would have cost him if he'd actually met her."