First-generation College Experience Gifts

"No one else in my family got out of the garden, much less made it to college."

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist … had a kid, blah blah … but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'He's going to college, but he doesn't have an exit strategy.'

I'm interning at town hall for my college transcript. Cool. I'm taking AP classes to boost my GPA. How about you, Twig? I'm working at my dad's nursery. What do you get out of that? Money. Novel idea!

"So what happened between you and Estella?"

"I used to get toys as birthday gifts but now that I'm in pre-school, all I get is money for my college fund."

I would like to start a regualr investment program that will help pay my daughter's college textbooks

Test preps, PSATs, SATs, AP courses, community service, 3 sports, 2 clubs and chorus

I'm forgetting which college is which. Their brochures are all alike. University of. It's always fall or spring. Apply! There's always a multi-cultural group of kids hanging out. There's always a girl in goggles working in a science lab with an ethnic-looking prof. It's reassuring. They all celebrate their diversity in the exact same way! And charge the exact same for it!

"Gracie, you do not need a cell phone. Little girls like you don't get important phone calls."

'You are supposed to be here.'

"I went to my college class reunion. Everyone else is unemployed."

The assistant to the chair begins another busy day.

'Glastonbury? You've been up to no good in some young man's bedsit, haven't you! Mud sticks, y'know.'

What's with all the cameras? They're filming seniors for college field hockey recruiters. I'll never be good enough to get admitted. It's just a game. In the real world. No one cared you even played. Then why do they make us do sports? To take your mind off all the college pressure!

The kids are going back for another semester.

"Hey, while you guys have that laser thingy out, how about removing that tattoo? Don't ask, it was a college thing."

'Mo got a hardship grant to attend university.'

"He's the first one in his family to endure endless discussions about going to college."

I'm not interested in buying new technology. What's wrong with me? Don't worry. I went through a brief period in college where I wasn't attracted to women. I didn't want to date or even have flings. It was a dark, horrible abyss that felt like it would never, ever end! How is this helping? Red Maxim repeatedly until it passes.

"Look, if it makes you feel any better, Nana and Poppa are still paying off their student loans."

'I'm afraid all those goldfish you swallowed back in college have finally caught up with you.'

'Six kids in college! Laid off from work! Installment payments due 7 days a week...and our lawyer keeps saying 'Not Yet, Not Yet!''

I'm afraid the children I may someday have won't get into a good college.

"I tried some in college, but I never inhaled."

"It was a party school."

'It's depressing to know your future depends on your father's investments.'

"This won't be easy, given your grades. You'll need to find someone even dumber than you to co-sign."

"Good day, Madam. I'm working my son's way through college."

For their safety, many colleges require that parents put on airbags before they are told what the school's tuition is.