Financial Jokes Pillows

Yeah, Fred's a real credit to the human race. He owes everyone.

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

I can't believe It!

Dog Beginning For A Loan

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

Ace Borrowing Company (formerly Ace Loan Company)

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

Life plan

Luck of the IRS.

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

'I just asked to see the annual figures...'

Jerry, times are tough. I'll take your iou for $75 only if it's written on a $100 bill.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"

"I'm afraid we don't offer student loans to elementary school pupils."

Some cultures use fish as money. 'Got change for a halibut?' 'Sure! Minnows OK?

'Since stocks are so wacko now,I'm advising clients to go with their lucky numbers on lotto tickets.'

"You can't lend me the £100 I asked for, only £70? Don't worry, you can own me the rest."

"It's all very well being healed, but that mobility scooter cost a fortune."

"I'm sorry, Mr Weinstock can't see you at the moment - he's on the run."