Finance Jokes Pillows

'I need a loan for a bypass. To bypass my wife. She holds the purse strings.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"At least we're consistent ... "

The Decline of the Euro.

'Due to current market conditions, I'm recommending that my clients invest heavily into pain medication companies.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

Ireland and its Celtic Tiger request some donations

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'Can you get me in touch with people that own me money?'

Dog Beginning For A Loan

I can't believe It!

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

Life plan

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

'This rebate check isn't big enough for both of us.'

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

Who's taken the third quarter?

Ace Borrowing Company (formerly Ace Loan Company)

Luck of the IRS.

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

Bank Robbery - The CEOs took the money a long time ago.

"Insider trading is so last century, I prefer exclusive networking opportunities."