Finance Jokes Pillows

'I need a loan for a bypass. To bypass my wife. She holds the purse strings.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"At least we're consistent ... "

The Decline of the Euro.

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'Due to current market conditions, I'm recommending that my clients invest heavily into pain medication companies.'

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

Ireland and its Celtic Tiger request some donations

I can't believe It!

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

Dog Beginning For A Loan

'Can you get me in touch with people that own me money?'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

Life plan

'This rebate check isn't big enough for both of us.'

Ace Borrowing Company (formerly Ace Loan Company)

Who's taken the third quarter?

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

"Insider trading is so last century, I prefer exclusive networking opportunities."

Bank Robbery - The CEOs took the money a long time ago.

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

"I'm afraid we don't offer student loans to elementary school pupils."

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"