Financial Jokes Gifts

Yeah, Fred's a real credit to the human race. He owes everyone.

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

I can't believe It!

Dog Beginning For A Loan

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

Ace Borrowing Company (formerly Ace Loan Company)

Life plan

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

Jerry, times are tough. I'll take your iou for $75 only if it's written on a $100 bill.

"I'm afraid we don't offer student loans to elementary school pupils."

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'I just asked to see the annual figures...'

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"

Some cultures use fish as money. 'Got change for a halibut?' 'Sure! Minnows OK?

'Since stocks are so wacko now,I'm advising clients to go with their lucky numbers on lotto tickets.'

"It's all very well being healed, but that mobility scooter cost a fortune."

"I'm sorry, Mr Weinstock can't see you at the moment - he's on the run."

"You can't lend me the £100 I asked for, only £70? Don't worry, you can own me the rest."

'Frankly, Charles, I'm having a hard time handling our investments'.