Personal Finance Jokes Gifts

The Man Who Exposed Himself

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"At least we're consistent ... "

The Decline of the Euro.

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'Due to current market conditions, I'm recommending that my clients invest heavily into pain medication companies.'

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

Ireland and its Celtic Tiger request some donations

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

I can't believe It!

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

Dog Beginning For A Loan

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

'This rebate check isn't big enough for both of us.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

Who's taken the third quarter?

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

Life plan

Ace Borrowing Company (formerly Ace Loan Company)

Luck of the IRS.

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"

Bank Robbery - The CEOs took the money a long time ago.

"Insider trading is so last century, I prefer exclusive networking opportunities."