Financial Analyst Of Love Gifts

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"Cheer up, if this carries on we could become a very attractive takeover target.

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

" A lot of it is just legal mumbo-jumbo."

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"I'll give you my unconditional love - on one condition."

'First date with a logician - These venn Diagrams will save us a lot of time. We'll see where you fit in, where I fit in, and if any of it overlaps'

Deconstructionist girlfriend

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

'You say voters in many areas can't relate to me?'

Lover's leap and Infatuation leap.

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

Vote GOP: 'Lowering taxes for the rich creates jobs, in the huge demand for security guards!'

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

'I like to use the Law as a jumping off point.'

"If you really loved me you wouldn't expect me to spar with you."

"Well, it's official. This household is definitely in a recession."

'Why are you so bloody cheerful?'

Royal Mail Privatisation

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

Invent Sales Day

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'Shouldn't we pull this corporation over and ask for directions.'

"Are we maximizing our time together or minimizing our efforts?"

'No, I'm not going to hate myself in the morning. I hate myself now!'

'Your resume is great - but I'm always suspicious when a good man is easy to find.'