Festive Season Survivalist Gifts

"Darling, do you remember where I put the insurance policies?"

"It's official"..."It's a drought!"

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"One more time, Mr Claus - who sold you the data?"

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'You and your 'Rescue the Reindeer' campaign!'

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

'I'll be glad when winter is over and he can start buryi8ng bones again.'

'Do I get to take an 'elfie' with Santa, too?'

"It's just temporary, until I fix the air conditioner."

A guide to seasons in the North East

"Well, I have an opening in Cloverdale Mall ... let me hear you say Ho Ho Ho."

"Could you help me fit nine days work into five and still see my family?"

'My purse! The original 24-hour pharmacy.'

"Do you feel your eyes have changed any since your last visit?" "No. They seem to be ho, ho, ho, holding their own."

Working Environment

"OK then, I admit it. Installing the log burner was a bad idea!"

"We can do it on the net now... so it's off to the knackery for you."

'It's the worst possible diagnosis a bear can receive -- sleep apnea.'

'Here's an interesting article. 'Cold or Seasonal Allergy?''

'Leave the Iranian airspace at once!'

"That's the worst case of Cabin Fever that I've ever seen. Luckily, spring is right around the corner."

"Will you only promise the children toys that can be brought at this store?"

Man gets round hosepipe ban by showering in the garden

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

"And if you don't know what to say, just say, 'Ho, ho, ho!''

Great Moment in North Pole History

'Yes, I think you better had ask Santa for it. Because there's no way I could afford to buy it.'

Accept cookies?

'I see a lot of that at this time of year...you've got a nasty case of cabin fever!'

"Each year John has so much trouble untangling the lights, they're on him longer than the tree!"

"Due to budget cuts, I will be your Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future."