Festive Investigator Gifts

"Mr Claus, you're suspected of breaking into 987356410239 houses right through the chimney within one single night!"

'Where were you on the night of the 24th December?'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'No, dear. I don't think the star on the Christmas tree will implode, and suck our living room into a black hole.'

Bad gifts

'These spare Christmas decorations make perfect bird scarers.'

'Twenty percent bluechips, ten percent small-caps, five percent currency hedges and the remainder in cash. Get that list to Santa right away.'

Dollar Sign Christmas Tree.

'Listen, Santa. Either you repay what you owe, or we reposses Rudolph!'

"Santa, snow is falling." "Sell snow!"

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

Santa using the stock exchange to keep track of stocks and bonds being good or bad as well as going up or down

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

"Smile if you're guilty!"

It was brighter than most, and Biggins allowed himself a quiet smile as he contemplated the immense speeds involved as it burned itself up in the atmosphere...

"I never expected to collide into you!"

The composer of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' song.

Festivus poles

'So, there really is a Higgs Boson?'

Geographical Society Christmas Dinner.

'We had a white Christmas but we'll be in the red until April.'

Vendo Tree.

Christmas card access

'We've drunk a Christmas toast to my portfolio, now let's drink a Christmas toast to your portfolio.'

'Of course I believe in Santa. Just not a publicly funded one.'

Physicist's Christmas tree

May your Christmas be out of this world!

People sneaking into a Christmas tree farm.

The Bankrupts' Christmas Tree

'What I like about Christmas is that wonderful feeling of freedom when it's all over.'

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

Santa's Helpers

The Thanksgiving mom cracked.

'Now there's a perfect example of something that's not cost effective. Fire him!'