Festive Fail Detective Pillows

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

Wait - If this is a big bag of toys, where's the big bag of dirty laundry? Worst Christmas morning ever.

'You know who's been naughty and who's been nice? -- you're not using DNA evidence, are you?'

Bad gifts

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

The composer of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' song.

Vendo Tree.

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

'What I like about Christmas is that wonderful feeling of freedom when it's all over.'

Undercover Santa

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

"That 'Spirit of Christmas yet to come' comes around earlier every year..."

'Of course I believe in Santa. Just not a publicly funded one.'

Insurance claim on Grandma

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

Santa's Helpers

'This could be interesting, quick go and get the video camera!'

'Meet the Easter Bunny.'

"Can't you do something productive instead of sitting around 364 days of the year?"

Castaways at Christmas

The Thanksgiving mom cracked.

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"Well, of course my DNA was found at the scene, it's Christmas Eve!"

"Who hired him?"

"December 19, 1960 - North Pole: An innocent water balloon fight turns tragic as temperatures dip below freezing." "Holy Toledo."

'Where were you on the night of the 24th December?'

"Mr Claus, you're suspected of breaking into 987356410239 houses right through the chimney within one single night!"

A 'fruitcake disposal' receptacle is set out during Christmas time . . .

Tom Cruise Christmas Impossible

"Whoa! Looks like a worker's comp thing, Carl."

A tree that only days earlier was standing perfectly upright on its own.

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack's Christmas Story

"This consumer durable isn't."