Festive Troublemakers Pillows

'I'd like my Daddy out of jail.' 'I wish we stuck to making toys.'

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

Frosting the Snowman

"I don't believe in you!"

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"That's Bridgeport from legal, he's got the consent forms."

"This year let's choose a Christmas card design that reflects the situation the country is in. Let's go for a design that says: Bah humbug!"

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

"Safe? Of course it's safe! I do fireworks every year!"

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

What a stupid custom! I like it. Teddy. Twig. But I don't believe in Santa and neither do you. So don't hang your stocking! I do believe in mom and dad! Ahh

"So, Mr. Claus, there IS a Virginia!"

'A 1982 bottle of KMart Beaujolais Nouveau? You shouldn't have, really. I mean you really, really shouldn't have...really.'

'Hey, would you mind stirring your Ovaltine somewhere else?!'

"I just keep getting this urge to say 'Bah Humbug'!"

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

'Houston..Er..I don't know how to tell you this..'

"It's festive. But I think it means no candy."

'Free gifts to every kid in the whole world? -- What are you running for?'

"That 'Spirit of Christmas yet to come' comes around earlier every year..."

Insurance claim on Grandma

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

"You know if I've been naughty or nice? Do you have my phone tapped?

Slippery underfoot

"Well, of course my DNA was found at the scene, it's Christmas Eve!"

'Thank goodness I remembered to bring those spares!'

'Meet the Easter Bunny.'

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

"Can't you do something productive instead of sitting around 364 days of the year?"

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"Everything on his list - see to it, wrinkly!"

Collateral Santa

"December 19, 1960 - North Pole: An innocent water balloon fight turns tragic as temperatures dip below freezing." "Holy Toledo."

'Nothing. Turn off the porch light.'