Festive Comedian Gifts

"Remember now, this is for your Birthday AND for Christmas!"

"The Crandalls wish us a Merry Christmas, and add that they're now worth over two million."

Santa with a boy on his knee:' I've got your 300 dollars. Did you bring your Mom and Dad's social security numbers and password information?'

"Hey you. I can't get in your house because nobody drew a fireplace or chimney. Not my fault, dude. Well, maybe next year. Ho, ho, ho."

Elf on the Top Shelf

Covid Christmas

Little girl hoses down walkway as Santa slips and falls

'After one thousand warm beers I think I'm entitled to a toilet break!'

'Oh, Christ.'

'So that's how you keep your nose red!'

'Take that off, Fuller. You're scaring the hell out of everyone!'

'And the Angel of the Lord said unto them, 'Go fill all thy shops with overpriced tat, stuff thyselves sill for four months and see if thou canst get away with calling it Christmas.'

hitchhiking turkey - Escaping the Holidays

'If you're not happy with the presents you got, you can just shove it.'

Our life is better than yours Christmas letters

"I know it's the season of goodwill...but I prefer the rutting season."

'Ooh... that's better!'

'You better watch out, you better not cry, we're here to abduct some earthlings that's why, aliens are coming to town.'

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

The Porkypine Pals Christmas Adventure - Part Four

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

'I'm the ghost of Christmas future. I'm hammered, can we do this later...?'

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

Well... Tis the season to be jolly!

"And my client will be seeking significant damages for being mistakenly placed in the naughty column!"

Christmas Presents.

Browned off cows. They can't pull a cracker.

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Maybe there is something in all this global warming stuff.'

"Donner and Blitzen are just our stage names."

Santa 'Freezing' Claus.

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

"Do you feel your eyes have changed any since your last visit?" "No. They seem to be ho, ho, ho, holding their own."

The Problem with On-the-fly Christmas Caroling

Snowman has twisted, wonky carrot nose: 'Apparently, it's organic.'