Fatherhood Fumbles Pillows

"The head, the head! I told you, always support the baby's head!"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"I hoped you'd change your hobby when you became a father"

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

"Your father dressed you, didn't he?"

"I couldn't find the off switch."

young mother with a baby being bombarded by advice on parenting from older mothers

"I couldn't find a sitter."

Maternity doctor with a plunger

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

'How do you block the kids from objectionable internet content? I found a bookmark called,'DriveYourParentsInsane'.'

"This is our adoptive son. We found him in the cellar where he was raised by spiders."

"Awww....someone's done a pooping in their pants. How cute?"

Earl thought 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' was very dumb. 'How about hot dog ice cream?! Or a hot dog already chewed, saving me time by not chewing it?!'

"Sorry I'm late, dad! Which number?"

'He's quite the hands-on daddy...in his way.'

'You didn't spank me today. What did I do good?'

'Why can't you try to be more like me?'

'My parents try so hard to do the right things for me, but, unfortunately, they're always wrong.'

'You aren't very good with children, are you Dad?'

"If you are still unhappy with your current allowance compensation, may I once more suggest to you a life of crime."

'You'll have to excuse Graham, he sees his son as a role model.'

"We don't spank in our family- we just use the discipline clown."

"I put them up after the divorce so that he knows his father is still part of his life."

'You know what that little rascal did? He sneaked home with my thermometer.'

"Oh, it's you. I thought you'd grown up already."

'My dad's more absent than your dad...'

'Did you get your drink problem from Grandma, mummy?'

"Your mother tells me she caught you paying for porn and I'm very disappointed in you. . ."

'That's right, Arthur, I've been grounded.'

"If I have a son, I'm going to name him 59379 Jr."

Dad never had time to play catch.