Family Gossip Enthusiast Pillows

'No, this isn't my son the doctor. This is my other son, the one who didn't make much of himself.'

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

Oldest sibling is last to know about Dad's new girlfriend.

"Tio Henry has been going out with Juanita for some time, huh?"

'Sure, a drawing on Facebook has coverage, but nothing wows the family like a spread on the fridge.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

"Listen. Nobody's cuter than anyone else! You're all equally cute!"

I love my family!

The Family Joules: Part 5

Mother's Love

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

It's a Boy

'I think babies grow in a mommy's tummy and adopted babies grow in a mommy's heart.'

Hollywood Breakup

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

'They're a very successful family.'

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

'His dad was!'

Larry King

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

"It's important to women that a man has a good relationship with his mother."

Science Journal. Editor. Ernie, we need a headline that will interest the general public in our artificial supernovas. "Big stars involved in nasty breakups"! (Published originally on March 2, 2009.)

Mummy?!

'He didn't learn that from me!'

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

"Yes, "breeding like rabbits" is often used in a pejorative sense. The truth is, we don't care as we love having kids..."

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"