Family Satire Enthusiast Pillows

'They like to call it 'parenting,' but it's just an outmoded seniority system.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

Suffering from Cooties?

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

CHANNEL THIRTEEN TAKES ON THE NETWORKS

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

'His dad was!'

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

'I want you to bring me one.'

Mummy?!

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

'He didn't learn that from me!'

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"Put it on my tab."

How Moms explain.

'He's got your mother's teeth.'

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'