Family Dynamics Advisor Gifts

'Here's how it works, Freddie. Men never do figure out what women want, so eventually we all sign up for woodworking.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

"Having nannies really changes you."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"But I brought you here so I wouldn't have to play with you."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"She may be awhile. Her mother's helping her park."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"