Complex Family Dynamics Analyst Gifts

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Polygamists' Picnic

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

"Having nannies really changes you."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"But I brought you here so I wouldn't have to play with you."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."