Complex Family Dynamics Analyst Gifts

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

Polygamists' Picnic

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

Common Core Family Therapy

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

"Having nannies really changes you."

He wanted a different one.

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

Origins Of Evolution

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"But I brought you here so I wouldn't have to play with you."

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."