Modern Family Dynamics Analyst Gifts

'Neo-extended family'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

Common Core Family Therapy

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

'Grandparents! This time last year I wasn't good enough to marry your daughter, but now I've fathered the brightest child in the universe!'