Modern Family Dynamics Analyst Gifts

'Neo-extended family'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

"Act your birth order!"

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.