Modern Family Analyst Gifts

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"There must be something wrong with my parents. They've only been married once!"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Crap from the future.

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

Common Core Family Therapy

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

Modern Life Blues

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

Waiting Room

"Very funny."

"Just because your mother devoured your siblings and not you didn't mean she valued you any less. She was just full."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

'Yes, yes, honey, I'm watching you!'

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

Psychiatry. My dad doesn't appreciate how hard it is to follow in his footsteps

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

'They sort of grow on you.'

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

"This article says that the number of elderly living with their children is rising..."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

Step Mom's Diner: Under New Management.

"He looks so natural."

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."