Modern Family Analyst Pillows

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"There must be something wrong with my parents. They've only been married once!"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Crap from the future.

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

Modern Life Blues

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

"Very funny."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

'Yes, yes, honey, I'm watching you!'

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

'They sort of grow on you.'

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

"This article says that the number of elderly living with their children is rising..."

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"He looks so natural."

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."