Family Life Analyst Pillows

"We expecting your mother tonight?"

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

"What's it like to have sexually active parents?"

'Motherly radar, we've know about. Now we suspect motherly in-home surveillance cameras.'

'Well Mother, I see you're still trying to make me feel guilty.'

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'

Boy wonders what would happen if his dad's computer got a virus.

"I want to rent my mother-in-law a room somewhere."

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"It's his emotional support animal."

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

"Yeah, work is tough, but nothing compared to coming home and stepping on one of the kids' legos."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

"How do you like our new smart water hose? It knows when you're dirty and hoses you off before you come into the house."

Junior's Towel

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

"Honey, I'm home."