Family Relationship Analyst Pillows

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

Common Core Family Therapy

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

"So, how are we doing with our trust issues?"

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

Awkward First Dates

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

Sharing the Bed with Zeno

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

Relationships.

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

"I'm ready to go whenever you're through fussing with tablescapes."

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

"I've had you appraised."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"I miss the way it was when I thought you knew everything."

"She's got money and he's a 'poet'."

"Remember that lovely couple of scarlet macaws we met in Puerto Jiménez? They split up!"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'And that, in a nutshell, is why men don't understand women.'

"I need a more interactive you."

"You can't let the tick birds continue to define you."