Family Dynamics Advisor Pillows

'Here's how it works, Freddie. Men never do figure out what women want, so eventually we all sign up for woodworking.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

Common Core Family Therapy

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

He wanted a different one.

"Having nannies really changes you."

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"But I brought you here so I wouldn't have to play with you."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies.'

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"She may be awhile. Her mother's helping her park."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."