Family Circus Enthusiast Gifts

"Hah, good luck to them when they try to flush THAT!"

"Stinkin' fake news!"

"I suppose you think that's funny."

"Support the head."

The relay race

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

Parental Training Course

"That's impressive, but I asked you to roll over."

Police Log

"Working" from home

'That's the worst case of fleas I've ever seen...!'

'I've had it for the last seventeen years.'

"Young Master downright lied to Mistress! I can smell he didn't use soap or shampoo when he took his bath!"

"Yes, mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

'He's got a terrific memory but dreadful eyesight.'

'Oh my god, I forgot I had children.'

"Kids, could you do Mommy a huge favor and go really far away from me? Thanks."

'You won't count my trunk as a carry-on; I have to buy two seats because of my size, and you don't give out complimentary peanuts? Isn't this a jumbo jet?'

'It wasn't the baby's crying that kept me awake last night...it was my husband's.'

'He's ever so good with children.'

Discreet Hair Removal Ends the Career of the Bearded Lady.

"I don't mind the wheezing. It drowns out the sound of my kids constantly arguing."

'Wow! This is the third restraining order this week! That's the last time I plan a family reunion.'

". . . and if your kids have been driving you crazy today, just remember one day soon they won't even want to know you. . . and exhale. . . ahhhh."

"It's just a phase."

'The worst of it is they don't have any natural predators...'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

Tightrope Walker Balancing with Phone

The perils of working from home

"And to think 'roll over' used to be a big deal."

As soon as she was late for her curfew,k Kelsey's father immediately sent one of her baby photos to her friends' cell phones.

'...The world does revolve around our child!'

'The tides have finally turned. Our daughter is losing sleep over us.'