Family Circus Artist Gifts

The relay race

"Stinkin' fake news!"

No caption (In the first frame a dog rides in a car with his head hanging out the window. The dog is smiling. In the next three frames the view gets progressively closer to his ear, until on the fourth frame a closeup is shown of a flea on the dogs ear. He too, is smiling).

'You see son, it's jobs like these that give us a bad name...'

"I suppose you think that's funny."

'Finally, a job that makes other people happy from laughing at you and you love it.'

Dolphin tricks.

Parental Training Course

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

"That's impressive, but I asked you to roll over."

"My teacher wouldn't let me clown around in class, so I was forced to run away and join the circus."

"Hah, good luck to them when they try to flush THAT!"

Police Log

"Working" from home

'I've had it for the last seventeen years.'

"Young Master downright lied to Mistress! I can smell he didn't use soap or shampoo when he took his bath!"

"Yes, mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

Clown silencers.

'Oh my god, I forgot I had children.'

'It wasn't the baby's crying that kept me awake last night...it was my husband's.'

"Kids, could you do Mommy a huge favor and go really far away from me? Thanks."

"I see your problem, honey. You're doing everything 'waterfall'. You should switch to 'agile'."

'Wow! This is the third restraining order this week! That's the last time I plan a family reunion.'

"I don't mind the wheezing. It drowns out the sound of my kids constantly arguing."

". . . and if your kids have been driving you crazy today, just remember one day soon they won't even want to know you. . . and exhale. . . ahhhh."

"It's just a phase."

'Tripped over the cat.'

'He's ever so good with children.'

"Oh no, you do not walk away when I'm talking to you!"

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I will now answer questions on everything except my salary and perks.'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

The perils of working from home

"Says here the city is seeing record numbers of job-hoppers."

'...The world does revolve around our child!'

'The tides have finally turned. Our daughter is losing sleep over us.'