Family Circus Director Gifts

The perils of working from home

"Stinkin' fake news!"

The relay race

Parental Training Course

Dolphin tricks.

'He's a very superior dog. Even his fleas have pedigrees!'

'I've never met such a heartless, gutless and brainless board of directors!'

Police Log

"Why Bingo Sinclair is the world's greatest clown director"

"Hah, good luck to them when they try to flush THAT!"

"Working" from home

'I've had it for the last seventeen years.'

Typical day on a dog's wagging tail

"Young Master downright lied to Mistress! I can smell he didn't use soap or shampoo when he took his bath!"

"Yes, mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

'Oh my god, I forgot I had children.'

"I see your problem, honey. You're doing everything 'waterfall'. You should switch to 'agile'."

"Kids, could you do Mommy a huge favor and go really far away from me? Thanks."

'It wasn't the baby's crying that kept me awake last night...it was my husband's.'

"We've invested heavily - If not always wisely - In talent."

"It's just a phase."

'Tripped over the cat.'

". . . and if your kids have been driving you crazy today, just remember one day soon they won't even want to know you. . . and exhale. . . ahhhh."

"Oh no, you do not walk away when I'm talking to you!"

"I don't mind the wheezing. It drowns out the sound of my kids constantly arguing."

'Wow! This is the third restraining order this week! That's the last time I plan a family reunion.'

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I will now answer questions on everything except my salary and perks.'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

"It's my flea. I think it's got dogs."

'I just gave that mutt a flea bath yesterday, and he's gone and picked up some other Paris site!'

"Says here the city is seeing record numbers of job-hoppers."

'...The world does revolve around our child!'

'The tides have finally turned. Our daughter is losing sleep over us.'