Family Circus Connoisseur Gifts

"Young Master downright lied to Mistress! I can smell he didn't use soap or shampoo when he took his bath!"

"I suppose you think that's funny."

The relay race

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

Parental Training Course

"That's impressive, but I asked you to roll over."

'Hoopla!'

Police Log

The great zucchinis

"Hah, good luck to them when they try to flush THAT!"

"Bobby, you may have worked for a circus but that's not an excuse for playing with your food!"

'Well, so much for laughter being the best medicine.'

"Working" from home

'That's the worst case of fleas I've ever seen...!'

'I've had it for the last seventeen years.'

"Yes, mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

'He's got a terrific memory but dreadful eyesight.'

'Oh my god, I forgot I had children.'

'You won't count my trunk as a carry-on; I have to buy two seats because of my size, and you don't give out complimentary peanuts? Isn't this a jumbo jet?'

"Kids, could you do Mommy a huge favor and go really far away from me? Thanks."

'It wasn't the baby's crying that kept me awake last night...it was my husband's.'

Discreet Hair Removal Ends the Career of the Bearded Lady.

'He's ever so good with children.'

'Wow! This is the third restraining order this week! That's the last time I plan a family reunion.'

"I don't mind the wheezing. It drowns out the sound of my kids constantly arguing."

". . . and if your kids have been driving you crazy today, just remember one day soon they won't even want to know you. . . and exhale. . . ahhhh."

'The worst of it is they don't have any natural predators...'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

Tightrope Walker Balancing with Phone

The perils of working from home

"And to think 'roll over' used to be a big deal."

'Hey... Gramma's off her rocker!'

'Yes, it used to be favorite gift but you're 47 and it's just not cute anymore.'

"Look at that new car Bobo is driving. He's CLEARLY overcompensating for something!"

'...The world does revolve around our child!'