Family Captain Gifts

Woman as a beacon and guide of the family

For his next book, he would write an epic novel of the sea.

'Like death by salad.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

"I'm beginning to think that buy one, get one free is not always a good thing."

'It's my company, I'll decide whether I want to go to the partner's meeting or not.'

A family with mustaches talking on their cellphones.

"It's time you took a vacation, John. I said to 'marinate'... not 'palpate' the liver!"

Oh, no

"I've been listening to your podcast. And though I agree with your opinion on deforestation and global warming, I strongly disagree with your claim that I overcook my pasta."

"Have I complimented you on marketing's renewed team spirit?"

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

"Ah! The Amazing Mommy and her tray of condiments!"

"Everything I needed to know I learned from my mother - but I usually follow up with a YouTube video for verification purposes."

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

"Who wants to help Grandma make her famous gingerbread man cookies? You kids get the flour, eggs, and sugar, and I'll get the protoplasm and epithelial tissue."

Making Christmas Pudding.

"Come on, honey, try just one Goliath pea. It's organic, locally grown, and GMO free."

'He's always had difficulty giving people negative feedback!'

"Mom, vegetables may help me grow and give me energy, but what if I want to be short and underachieving?"

"Moses, it's your mother. It's the only way I could get hold of you. You never call."

A flighttime story

Mother's Day: 2nd Sunday in May, Others Day: Every day before and after the 2nd Sunday in May.

Cloning...Oops! Oxelot.

"We merged to save through volume buying."

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

'Would you like me to have a word with educational psychologist about Julie?'