Family Captain Pillows

Woman as a beacon and guide of the family

For his next book, he would write an epic novel of the sea.

'Like death by salad.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

"I'm beginning to think that buy one, get one free is not always a good thing."

'It's my company, I'll decide whether I want to go to the partner's meeting or not.'

A family with mustaches talking on their cellphones.

"It's time you took a vacation, John. I said to 'marinate'... not 'palpate' the liver!"

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

"Have I complimented you on marketing's renewed team spirit?"

"I've been listening to your podcast. And though I agree with your opinion on deforestation and global warming, I strongly disagree with your claim that I overcook my pasta."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

"Ah! The Amazing Mommy and her tray of condiments!"

"Who wants to help Grandma make her famous gingerbread man cookies? You kids get the flour, eggs, and sugar, and I'll get the protoplasm and epithelial tissue."

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

"Come on, honey, try just one Goliath pea. It's organic, locally grown, and GMO free."

"Everything I needed to know I learned from my mother - but I usually follow up with a YouTube video for verification purposes."

Making Christmas Pudding.

'He's always had difficulty giving people negative feedback!'

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Cloning...Oops! Oxelot.

"Mom, vegetables may help me grow and give me energy, but what if I want to be short and underachieving?"

A flighttime story

"Moses, it's your mother. It's the only way I could get hold of you. You never call."

"We merged to save through volume buying."

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

"We don't need a test drive. Just let us try out the cup holders."

'Would you like me to have a word with educational psychologist about Julie?'