Fairytale Revisionist Gifts

This wasn't quite the fairytale ending Colin had anticipated.

Updated Fairy Tales. Having all of them around sure sweetened my stimulus check!

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

"My favorite part of the story was when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty and she totally rebooted."

"You're telling me I should leave the artists' commune that saved me from my stepmother's tyrannical elitism, where I have seven boyfriends, to become the impotent figurehead of another unjust power structure?"

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

Rapunzcow

The tortoise and the hare are in a shoe store trying on shoes in preparation for their race.

"This isn't how the story went at all."

'Where are all these people who lived happily ever after?'

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

'Come on, dad...why would anyone follow a witch into a gingerbread house? It clearly wasn't built to code.'

'Read me the one about the three homeless little pigs.'

'Did she marry the prince for love for for money?'

"I like 'Cinderella' - it's just that I feel the characters of the stepsisters are underwritten."

'Forty years is as much 'Happily Ever After' as I can tolerate.'

"I appreciate your offer, but I was really hoping to marry a doctor."

"Three pizzas: One too hot, one too cold, and one just right."

'I don't care if I have been here for a hundred years! What kind of pervert kisses a girl while she's sleeping?!'

If it were today. . .

'Typical media bias. First they label the wolf 'the big BAD wolf' then they only give Little Red Riding Hood's point of view.'

I wish somebody had told me "Prince Charming" is an ironic nickname his fraternity gave him!

'HOLD ON! You're telling me that out of the whole population, in an entire kingdom, this glass slipper fitted just ONE person?!'

"He's growing up too fast. Instead of hearing a fairytale, he wants to know about rights in the workplace."

'Deep in the woods, the children came upon the most wondrous sight.'

Sleeping beauty is awakened by prince not-so-charming.

The green shoots of recovery, and other fairy tales.

"Forget the glass slipper thing. I've just installed the Tinderella app."

"Did Robin Hood give to the poor only for the deduction?"

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll And Mister Softee

"... and they both pretended to live happily ever after."

"I don’t know why it’s a story about three little pigs – it just is."

"You kissed me without my consent and woke me up from the best nap ever - and I'm supposed to be grateful?"