Fairytale Revisionists Gifts

"This isn't how the story went at all."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

Updated Fairy Tales. Having all of them around sure sweetened my stimulus check!

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

"My favorite part of the story was when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty and she totally rebooted."

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

Rapunzcow

The tortoise and the hare are in a shoe store trying on shoes in preparation for their race.

This wasn't quite the fairytale ending Colin had anticipated.

'Read me the one about the three homeless little pigs.'

'Come on, dad...why would anyone follow a witch into a gingerbread house? It clearly wasn't built to code.'

Male Mid-Life Myth--The Hair Fairy

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

'Did she marry the prince for love for for money?'

"I like 'Cinderella' - it's just that I feel the characters of the stepsisters are underwritten."

"I appreciate your offer, but I was really hoping to marry a doctor."

'I don't care if I have been here for a hundred years! What kind of pervert kisses a girl while she's sleeping?!'

If it were today. . .

'Forty years is as much 'Happily Ever After' as I can tolerate.'

"Three pizzas: One too hot, one too cold, and one just right."

'Typical media bias. First they label the wolf 'the big BAD wolf' then they only give Little Red Riding Hood's point of view.'

I wish somebody had told me "Prince Charming" is an ironic nickname his fraternity gave him!

"He's growing up too fast. Instead of hearing a fairytale, he wants to know about rights in the workplace."

'HOLD ON! You're telling me that out of the whole population, in an entire kingdom, this glass slipper fitted just ONE person?!'

The green shoots of recovery, and other fairy tales.

Sleeping beauty is awakened by prince not-so-charming.

'Deep in the woods, the children came upon the most wondrous sight.'

"Did Robin Hood give to the poor only for the deduction?"

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll And Mister Softee

"Forget the glass slipper thing. I've just installed the Tinderella app."

"... and they both pretended to live happily ever after."

"You kissed me without my consent and woke me up from the best nap ever - and I'm supposed to be grateful?"

"And ten she said what big ears I'd got. You don't think I've got big ears do you Brian?"

'Frankly, I think you've got a cheek asking me if you're the fairest of them all.'