Fairytale Skeptic Gifts

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Rapunzel grew to hate the Prince's visits.

'HOLD ON! You're telling me that out of the whole population, in an entire kingdom, this glass slipper fitted just ONE person?!'

"When are we going to live happily ever after?!"

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

"Forget the glass slipper thing. I've just installed the Tinderella app."

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

"Go figure: nobody wanted to kiss me when I was an ugly prince, but now, somehow, pretty girls are lining up!"

"Well did he?"

Updated Fairy Tales. Having all of them around sure sweetened my stimulus check!

'Yes Mr Hare, you were right: He IS on steroids!'

Kissable Frogs in Your Area

"You're telling me I should leave the artists' commune that saved me from my stepmother's tyrannical elitism, where I have seven boyfriends, to become the impotent figurehead of another unjust power structure?"

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

Rapunzcow

And they lived happily ever after for a few years until the quirks they found so cute in each other when they were dating eventually drove them both insane the end.

'Yeah. Yeah... Wolf, girl, grandma. I got the picture.'

". . . and they lived happily ever after. . . in an aspirational sort of way."

The tortoise and the hare are in a shoe store trying on shoes in preparation for their race.

"And they lived happily ever-after? Well, maybe you should find out who their financial advisor is."

"This isn't how the story went at all."

'Where are all these people who lived happily ever after?'

"When I die, I want to come back at anything except a book of short stories."

This wasn't quite the fairytale ending Colin had anticipated.

You've got to stop getting all your history from Youtube and Netflix. Why? Because those are videos. People who make videos are making entertainment. It it's entertaining that means someone's constructed story. If it's a story, that means they left out or twisted whatever doesn't logically fit their narrative as told from one point of view. Accurate history would be completely illogical. Oliver Stone would disagree.

Male Mid-Life Myth--The Hair Fairy

'Come on, dad...why would anyone follow a witch into a gingerbread house? It clearly wasn't built to code.'

If it were today. . .

'I don't care if I have been here for a hundred years! What kind of pervert kisses a girl while she's sleeping?!'

'Forty years is as much 'Happily Ever After' as I can tolerate.'

"I appreciate your offer, but I was really hoping to marry a doctor."

"Enough with the hard-luck stories about spanking and cursive and appointment television, Dad."

'Typical media bias. First they label the wolf 'the big BAD wolf' then they only give Little Red Riding Hood's point of view.'

Man reading a giant book.

"Did Robin Hood give to the poor only for the deduction?"