Fantasy Film Skeptic Gifts

"Okay!! I'll confess to everything but don't make me watch any more of the hobbit!"

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'So no animals were harmed in that movie...but how about the audience?!'

'I don't like reading on screen, so I'm printing the internet to look at it later.'

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

"You're telling me I should leave the artists' commune that saved me from my stepmother's tyrannical elitism, where I have seven boyfriends, to become the impotent figurehead of another unjust power structure?"

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."

"When I die, I want to come back at anything except a book of short stories."

"How am I rampaging?"

Our Summer Fantasy

"Two directors, three adaptations plus 3-D, and they STILL screw it up!"

"Please, no more movies about feelings."

'Come on, dad...why would anyone follow a witch into a gingerbread house? It clearly wasn't built to code.'

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

'We'd like to return it. There wasn't any on-screen chemistry between us.'

"I'm not a fan of biblical movies."

What can I get you? An explanation about why Disney can't do what we all want the to do … and have the folks who made Rogue One go back and remake the super-lame Star Wars prequel trilogy. Would you like the inaccurate explanation or the accurate one? Inaccurate would be lovely, please. It's too soon to remake "Phantom Menace." Plus it'd be confusing. Besides, the prequels were good enough. What're you talking about? It's been 18 years since "Phantom Menace." And movies get rebooted all the time

Jason and the Argonauts.

'Forty years is as much 'Happily Ever After' as I can tolerate.'

'Why is it that there are so many bedtime stories about stupid princes and princesses, but no cool ones about zombies and chainsaws?'

"Is there a discount for someone who doesn't want to see the movie?"

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

Man reading a giant book.

'HOLD ON! You're telling me that out of the whole population, in an entire kingdom, this glass slipper fitted just ONE person?!'

Still have the receipt do you?"

'That 'Jonah' story sounded FISHY to me!'

'We spend a fortune on a big screen and he watches everything on his phone!'

"Science fiction? Boring! It's always about gravity and blue skies and two-legged aliens. I prefer non-fiction."

Sleeping beauty is awakened by prince not-so-charming.

The green shoots of recovery, and other fairy tales.

Permanent Annoying Logo TV.

"Forget the glass slipper thing. I've just installed the Tinderella app."

"Well, you call them fairy tales, I call them fake news."

Numb and Number.