Cinema Skeptic Gifts

'It stinks!'

"Is there a discount for someone who doesn't want to see the movie?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't commit to a full movie."

'So no animals were harmed in that movie...but how about the audience?!'

"I'm not a fan of biblical movies."

'I don't like reading on screen, so I'm printing the internet to look at it later.'

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

The Last Jedi dvd is going to have fourteen deleted scenes! Horrible mistake. The confident creator releases his work to the world and says This is it. This is what I want to show you. He doesn't then show you all the stuff he might have put in the story. Did Prince release the deleted stanza from Little Red Corvette where he also compared her to a Ford Pinto? Wait ... Prince compared a sexy lady to a Ford Pinto? Who knows? That's my point. Aren't you glad you don't know what?

At the 'Feel Good' movie of the year.

"Two directors, three adaptations plus 3-D, and they STILL screw it up!"

"Please, no more movies about feelings."

"What do the know!"

"Somehow these awards are seeming less special."

'You're not really into this, are you Mahoney?'

'We'd like to return it. There wasn't any on-screen chemistry between us.'

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

Permanent Annoying Logo TV.

Numb and Number.

"Science fiction? Boring! It's always about gravity and blue skies and two-legged aliens. I prefer non-fiction."

'We spend a fortune on a big screen and he watches everything on his phone!'

"It's hard teaching history to these kids. They don't believe anything without a video."

"And now the Oscar for the film that everyone claims they want to see when they ACTUALLY saw 'Fifty Shades Freed'."

Want to go see "Ant-Man," little buddy? NO WAY!!! My whole life, I've had this recurring nightmare where I shrink and shrink and shrink

'I like to keep up-to-date with the movies I'll be hating next year.'

"Now watch this YouTube documentary about the deep state made by an anonymous teen with basic iMovie skills."

Sun Times: UFO Sighting Hoax

"Honey, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep the details of our marriage more analog than digital."

'That movie did certainly seem to touch a nerve.'

"I've been watching British shows on hulu. They're strange."

'All I did was touch the screen here, and it called me a misanthrope.'

"Okay!! I'll confess to everything but don't make me watch any more of the hobbit!"

'What's the best thing you've seen this week?'

'Oh, he's just read that he was not the only person in the world who thought Monty Python was unfunny.'

"Well, the tickets sure as hell weren't minimal."