Extraterrestrial Diplomat Gifts

Hello, you've reached the private line of the Secretary of Defense. At last! We tried calling you all day yesterday to alert you to an imminent threat. How did you get this number? It was coming straight at your nation-state at speeds approaching Kebin 2. What are you talking about? What's "Klebin 2"? Apologies. In earthlingese that would be "mach 23," or 24.140.16 kilometers per hour. Good lord! I'd better wake ... Not to worry. Our sensors locked on to it as soon as it launched from your North

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

"Do you think it's a form of greeting?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"Please ask your pet to kindly put down the weapon."

Israel/Palestine Conflict

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"What the hell, sweetheart―if you want it, it's yours!"

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

"To begin with, I would like to express my sincere thanks and deep appreciation for the opportunity to meet with you. While there are still profound differences between us, I think the very fact of my presence here today is a major breakthrough."

"I don't think you can get a peace prize for ending a war that you started."

Are you interested in UFOs? Advanced life forms? Free medical screenings? Alternative underwear? Snacks and refreshments? Non-sexual turtles? Reverse pound cake? Science? Join us.

What can I get you? An explanation for why we haven't gone back to the moon. Would you like the rational explanation or the Youtube explanation? Rational would be lovely, please. Ok. We never went back to the moon because there was no reason to. The whole point of Apollo was to reassure the free world that we could beat the Soviet Union. Mission accomplished. Oh ... that's it? Well, that's rather bland. Could I exchange that for the Youtube explanation? The lizard-men who live on the film set wh

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'...It's O.K. hon', it's just the third world.'

EU

'Well, so much for our legendary ability to eviscerate cattle with surgical precision...'

'Ok - I'm reaching out!'

"Shoulda brought the weed."

Militant Pacifists

'Perhaps the surest evidence intelligent life exists out there is the fact it hasn't revealed itself to us thus far.'

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

Pyramid UFO...

While playing fetch, Beasle inadvertently set back interplanetary relations for millennia.

More Excuses to Stay in Afghanistan

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

'What's the matter with them? I thought you said you'd been here before.'

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

Serious business

'Heeheehee! My guests will love it!'