Intergalactic Diplomat Gifts

"Take us to your diversity outreach consultant."

"You know that this means war between out planets?!"

"Please ask your pet to kindly put down the weapon."

"Shoulda brought the weed."

Humans and Aliens land on the same Alien planet.

"What the hell, sweetheart―if you want it, it's yours!"

"It's inhabited and they appear to be friendly."

Alien that resembles a coconut is marooned on desert isle. Human on the same island cracks open coconuts. '. . acts of unspeakable barbarism by indigenous life form continue unabated . . .'

"Five year non-exclusive? We just want to abduct him!"

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Take me to your mechanic."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"But there's no way in hell I could afford Jupiter today."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

"I'm so sorry I let you talk me into letting you take your pet along on this trip!"

"So, Danny Boy, what's up in your world?"

The ecumenical dinner party.

"Let's f**k up Mars!"

'Well, somebody on this stupid little planet ordered an extra-large with pepperoni and mushrooms!'

'Three zillion, five hundred trillion and sixty seven billion light years from Zog and now you tell me you've forgot to cancel the milk!'

Christmas on Other Planets.

"Every abductee gets a souvenir mug."

"Hold on - I need to tell the credit card company I'm going on a trip."

"What gear are we in, biscuit?"

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

'...it's some distance away - but there are lots of 'em and they're edible.'

'Well, that's how we mix martinis around here.'

"Do you think it's a form of greeting?"

Hello, you've reached the private line of the Secretary of Defense. At last! We tried calling you all day yesterday to alert you to an imminent threat. How did you get this number? It was coming straight at your nation-state at speeds approaching Kebin 2. What are you talking about? What's "Klebin 2"? Apologies. In earthlingese that would be "mach 23," or 24.140.16 kilometers per hour. Good lord! I'd better wake ... Not to worry. Our sensors locked on to it as soon as it launched from your North

"Take us to Disneyworld then, if there's time, to your leader."

'Yo, Corona! Pack your stuff! You've been traded.'