Doggy Diplomat Gifts

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"'Pee on the carpet!' That's your solution to everything."

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

"I don't get treats anymore - I get a bloody reward card!!"

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"If someone watched a person walking their dog, then stop to pick up the dog's poop. . . who would they think was in charge?"

"It was humiliating! First, he told me to beg and then he wanted me to roll over and pretend I was dead...so, I bit him!"

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Okay, what's it going to take to make this homework go away?"

"How dare you say I am dogmatic!"

'Don't tell me you want universal health care!'

Dog licences - 'A Chihuahua, eh? Can you prove that he's in this country legally?'

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"What makes you think they like YOU best?"

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

'Look, I'm sorry, I just wanted to bite something, and the newspaper happened to be in my mouth.'

"Alright then,stay there- I WILL be obeyed!"

Contrary to the old wive's tale, a dog's mouth isn't always cleaner than a human's.

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"The Hodal deal ….. It doesn't pass the smell test."

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

Landing That Tough Account

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Okay, let's negotiate. Just how good do I have to be?'