Dog-cat Diplomat Gifts

Most people don't know that cats and dogs used to be best friends until some thoughtless cartoonist began stirring up trouble in search of easy gags.

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

"I can't hold it together much longer. . . If Bradley doesn't wipe that smug, self-satisfied smirk off his face soon, I swear I'll kill him."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

Landing That Tough Account

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

'They aren't shy about cutting you out of the decision making process.'

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'Okay, let's negotiate. Just how good do I have to be?'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'If I eat three more pieces of meat and three more spoonfuls of peas, I want three puddings after!'

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

Good duck, bad duck.

"I hear the food's good. But try to get a table."

Bipartisan.

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

Advantages of Growing Older