Doggie Diplomat Gifts

'I'm gay.'

Man Bites Dog...

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'Ms. Lemieux will read the incessant barking from the last meeting.'

'He can ignore you in seven different languages.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"I'm an only dog. It was more fun at the pet shop."

"Is your dog going to rip our heads off … I mean, friendly?"

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

"Messing with the U.S. postal Service is a federal offense."

On strike - Do your own barking.

'It's the Animal Welfare people about you feeding leftovers to the dog!'

'Okay, how do we do this?'

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

The Dog whisperer.

'He IS sorry! See, now he doesn't want you to leave!'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"Do you have to bark at every dog we pass?"

Advantages of Growing Older

"Oh, I'll eat it, but I sure as heck won't wag my tail..."

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

Landing That Tough Account

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'