Expectant Mother Humorist Gifts

"Very funny, Stuart, now take off my maternity shirt before you stretch it out of shape."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

"On no, the baby's breach!!"

Womb service: A special room service for pregnant Women

The Elephant in the Womb

"Mum's biological clock is ticking away...OOPS!...my mistake. That's indigestion."

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Pregnant Woman - "I think it's coming gift-wrapped."

"Mother and baby are doing well...Both are in a stable condition."

The Mothership

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'Are we there yet?.. Are we there yet?.. Are we there yet?..'

'When will I start to look 'radiant and blooming'?'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'Breastfeeding twins doesn't sound that hard to me...'

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'Looks like we'll have this one by C section."

"After 9 months floating here, instead of a birth certificate I should get a diver certification."

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'I already have four girls. I picked out the names for this one. If I give birth to a girl...Jennifer. If it's a boy...hooray!'

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Could I examine your cervix?'

'I sentence you to hard labor.'

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.