Mom-to-be Humorist Gifts

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.

'I sentence you to hard labor.'

'A young boxer'.

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

"Mum's biological clock is ticking away...OOPS!...my mistake. That's indigestion."

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Pregnant Woman - "I think it's coming gift-wrapped."

Baby in womb chooses from multiple choice pregnancy symptoms...

"Mother and baby are doing well...Both are in a stable condition."

The Mothership

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'Breastfeeding twins doesn't sound that hard to me...'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

'Looks like we'll have this one by C section."

Open other end

"I had the strangest dream. I was suddenly in a room full of people, and I didn't have a stitch on."

'Would you like your ultrasound photos standard, high definition, 3-D, or 4K ultra HD?'

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'The noise is terrible and the view is horrible. So much for good working conditions.'

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'