New Mom Humorist Gifts

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

'Relax, the most important thing is that he drinks his milk, not how.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

The Mothership

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'Our infant daughter is veyr active and started to crawl. Do you have one with GPS?'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

Baby reading 'To do list'.

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"This diaper makes my butt look big..."

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

'Breastfeeding twins doesn't sound that hard to me...'

Dad waiting for baby to be born.

A (P)ram.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

A woman looks at greeting cards in a section entitled "New Pie".

"Oh, she's got her father's male hormones"

'Mum's water have broken and she's called the doctor. I may be wrong but I'd be calling the plumber!!'

Waaahhh. Please, Milo. Stop crying. Look, Milo. I'm making a funny face. Waah. I'm waving my arms in the air! Waah. I'm pouring burning coffee on my head. Waaah. Waaaaaaaahhh. Look at this dog. Isn't it disgusting and hairy wairy? Humiliating on every level. Giggle.