Expecting Parent Humorist Gifts

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

"Where's your nose?"