Expecting Parent Humorist Pillows

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

"Have you seen my dad?"

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'