Exercise Pragmatist Gifts

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Put it in writing!

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

'Okay Kid. Start Jumping! This will be the only exercise I'll get all day.'

'Realist Trac, with 4 settings...'

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

What would John Dewey say?

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"That's pork - the meat of the pig. It makes an excellent substitute for tofu."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I think it's time we moved in together...the bank has repossessed my flat."

'George has a new job - in Effective Communication'

"Did he sin?"

"It's me, Lord, ready to spend a little religious capital."

"I'm going to close my eyes and count to three. When I open them, ten of those candles better be gone."