Exasperated Chef T-Shirts

"For heaven's sake, all I asked is which do you want, a hamburger or a lamb chop!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

Better Not Squash.

Witch's Brew.

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

'Come and get it!'

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

Sushi Train Set.

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

"The tiny red things were harvested from Frankie's bonsai tree."

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

'Just call me Delia...'

"Try and push the eye of newt and wing of bat casserole."

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

"I don't like it."

Baker

"I was in a different place then."

"I like that you all brought enthusiasm, but did anyone bring food?"

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

"For the next Christmas party pot luck, let's skip the finger foods."

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom or night will stop Ed from overcooking the fish."

'Carrot cake!.. What's next?.. Broccoli cake?'

Football Pudding

'Phil barbecues the traditional way...ineptly.'

'These are exquisite! You simply must give me your recipe.'

'It looks exactly like the picture in the recipe book except for the burnt bits.'

"Ideally, you want the dough to rise to about thirty-five thousand feet."

"There's something wrong with your dinner."