Exasperated Chef Gifts

"For heaven's sake, all I asked is which do you want, a hamburger or a lamb chop!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"Still haven't quite figured out the pressure cooker, huh dad?"

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

Better Not Squash.

Witch's Brew.

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

'Come and get it!'

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

"Dad fixed you a balanced breakfast - the runny eggs are balanced with burnt toast!"

Sushi Train Set.

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

'Step 5. Call the Fire Department.'

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

"I want you to be well in life, son...."

"The tiny red things were harvested from Frankie's bonsai tree."

"I don't like it."

Baker

'Just call me Delia...'

'I could beat these eggs a lot easier if it weren't for all the shells.'

"Try and push the eye of newt and wing of bat casserole."

"I was in a different place then."

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

"I like that you all brought enthusiasm, but did anyone bring food?"

"For the next Christmas party pot luck, let's skip the finger foods."

'Phil barbecues the traditional way...ineptly.'

'Carrot cake!.. What's next?.. Broccoli cake?'

Football Pudding

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom or night will stop Ed from overcooking the fish."

'It looks exactly like the picture in the recipe book except for the burnt bits.'

'These are exquisite! You simply must give me your recipe.'

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

Restaurant. Special: Fricken Chicassee. The chef shouldn't write the special when he's angry.