Eternal Hypochondriac Gifts

'I want to be buried next to a physician!'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

'Life is ruining your health.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Stay away from Pigs.

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

'I don't feel that bad.'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

Type A Flu.

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'Well, you are one lucky hypochondriac. There's a generic placebo for your condition.'

'It's only hypochondria, but it's a very virulent FORM of it.'

"Good news and bad. You do not have hypochondria."

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

'It's a new syndrome we're seeing more of... 'Google-itis'.'

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

'Well, Doctor, what do I have and is it contagious?'

Aren't you a hypochondriac? What was that, loser? I feel warm. You're not going to trick me into thinking I have Ebola. 21 days ago, I may have ordered a pizza. The delivery boy had what might've been a Texas accent. A hospital in Texas was treating an Ebola patient. NOT FALLING FOR IT!! Everyone knows Ebola can only be transmitted through bodily fluids! The delivery boy was sweating. Sweat evaporates, right? Then it's in the air. Cough. Well-played, nemesis.

"I think I've got analysis paralysis."

"Just as I thought Brian... Cybercondria."

'Nothing too serious, I think, but better safe than sorry.' 'PLAGUE!! PLAGUE!!'

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

Lay Off the Blackberry!

I didn't want to come in, but I've spent thousands of hours online diagnosing my neck pain and it jut keeps getting worse.

'Excuse me, haven't we met before?'