Hypochondriac Hero Gifts

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

"I've already consulted with my bartender, and my horoscope so now I want a thrid opinion from you doctor."

"The good news is you DON'T have diphtheria, rotavirus, impetigo, endometriosis, hepatitis, osteoporosis, poliomyelitis, tetanus, tuberculosis or the zika virus."

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Hypochondria Hospital

A poem: With daylight's shift, winter draws near...

"I think I'm coming down with something."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

'I know just how you feel.'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Life is ruining your health.'

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Stay away from Pigs.

'The good news is it's not bird flu.'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'The part of your brain you used to diagnose what is wrong with you is what is wrong with you.'

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'Like I've told you before, Mrs. Spencer, it's all in your head.'